The nVo

2000 Election as a WWE Match
By Phil Abramson
November 9, 2000


Part I 

You knew it had to come to this. Forget the Florida recount. The only way to settle this is to declare the U.S. Presidency vacant and hold a 14-politician wrestling tournament to decide who gains the Oval Office. True to WM4 form, Bush and Gore gain a bye into the second round. The other participants are Jon Corzine, Dick Cheney, Hillary Clinton, Rudy Giuliani, Joe Lieberman, Pat Buchanan, Bill Bradley, Ralph Nader, John Kerry, John McCain, Mel Carnahan and Strom Thurmond. Unfortunately the rulebook (a.k.a. Constitution) prevents Bill Clinton from entering the tournament but our announcers, Tom Brokaw and Tim Russert report that Clinton is indeed in the building. A hidden camera reveals him backstage with Hillary. While she's on the treadmill training, he's chowing down on McDonalds. 

ROUND ONE
Jon Corzine vs. Dick Cheney
Its the battle of the multi-millionaires. Corzine enters the ring tossing $80 million in small bills out to the crowd in an effort to win their support. Cheney comes to the ring accompanied by W. Its a slugfest as they hit each other with their wallets. Eventually Corzine gets distracted and W interferes on the outside. Cheney drops his dead weight on Corzine and gets the win. Afterwards, Cheney goes through the crowd - confiscating the cash Corzine had given away - and yelling "This is only for the top 1%"
WINNER : DICK CHENEY 

Hillary Clinton vs. Rudy Giuliani
Hillary comes to the ring focused. Bill lags behind, transfixed by the flasher in Section G, Aisle 7. Giuliani is announced but he doesn't come out. Then on the large video wall a tape is played of him backstage cavorting with Judi Nathan. A chorus of boos rings out. Then Giuliani makes an appearance near the entrance ramp. He says that he is unable to compete tonight. Clinton gives him a knowing wink. Rudy says it has nothing to do with what everyone is thinking. Instead he lists off a long number of supposed injuries that he has which prevents him from wrestling. Before he leaves, he introduces his replacement - a rookie just out of someplace called Vassar College named Rick. Hillary asks, "Rick? Who is this...Rick?" Nonetheless she whups his ass and advances to the next round.
WINNER : HILLARY CLINTON 

Joe Lieberman vs. Pat Buchanan
Oy vey. Its the savior of the Jews vs. Hitler 2000. The classic face-heel battle. Hadassah accompanies Joe to the ring in a stunning ensemble. Pat's army of skinheads isn't enough and Lieberman wins the match.
WINNER : JOE LIEBERMAN 

Bill Bradley vs. Ralph Nader
Its the battle of Gore's rivals on the left. Its the battle of two individuals who sound like droning college professors. Bradley has the clear athletic advantage but Nader's got a sudden mean streak. "Nader's Raiders" come out to do devious things on Nader's behalf (with no idea of the consequences of their actions) and they give the bastard the win.
WINNER : RALPH NADER 

Backstage, Bill Clinton is seen engaging in behavior with the flasher from Section G Aisle 7 that can only be deemed - inappropriate and wrong. 

John Kerry vs. John McCain
This match is hardcore rules. That's because the two Vietnam vets refuse to hold anything back. Its an absolutely brutal affair. McCain wins it after blowing Kerry's head off.
WINNER : JOHN MCCAIN 

Mel Carnahan vs. Strom Thurmond
This match features the dead man vs. the 99.9% dead man. Needless to say, there's not a lot of high flying action in this one. Carnahan's corpse actually moves quicker than Thurmond. The 15 minute time limit draw expires.
WINNER : NONE 

Thus the stage is set for the quarterfinals. The matches are:
Al Gore vs. George W. Bush
Hillary Clinton vs. Dick Cheney
Joe Lieberman vs. Ralph Nader
and John McCain gains a bye to the semifinals due to the Carnahan-Thurmond draw. 

What will result? 

Part II 

QUARTERFINALS
Al Gore vs. George W. Bush
The two main candidates, the two favorites who each gained a bye in round one now square off. Its an intense battle. Bush gains the initial advantage. Then Gore mounds a trifecta of moves which causes Brokaw to declare Gore the winner. But the match isn't over and a few minutes later, Bush comes back into it. Brokaw and Russert call for Chinese food and order crow fried rice. The battle rages on and Bush gets the pin! As he walks to the back triumphantly, a video replay shows Gore's foot on the rope. The referee restarts the match, much to Bush's dismay. The fight spills out of the ring and into the parking lot. Bush and Gore proceed to fall ontop of a Florida bound pickup truck which pulls away with both of them on it. However since this is not a falls count anywhere match, the referee counts both men out - eliminating them both from the presidency. Brokaw and Russert speculate that they'll continue fighting in Florida, but we're moving on with the tournament.
WINNER : NONE 

Hillary Clinton vs. Dick Cheney
Due to the Gore-Bush draw, the winner of this quarterfinal match will advance all the way to the championship match. Hillary comes to the ring unaccompanied by Bill who is distracted backstage with several ladies on the wardrobe staff. However, Cheney does not come to the ring alone. Instead he is joined by every single Republican in the nation. Hillary is so outnumbered that a vast beatdown ensues, giving Cheney the win. Further evident of the right-wing conspiracy. By virtue of this win, Cheney advances to the final.
WINNER : DICK CHENEY 

Joe Lieberman vs. Ralph Nader
Haddasah accompanies Joe to the ring, wearing her second dress of the evening. Nader is accompanied by "Nader's Raiders". During the course of the match, Nader looks to his supporters for help - but they have deserted him. Apparently there was a woman eating a hot dog in the upper deck and they left ringside in order to chastise her for eating meat. Lieberman takes advantage and gets the win. 
WINNER : JOE LIEBERMAN 

Due to McCain's bye in the quarterfinals, he has no match. 

Thus in the semifinals, Dick Cheney gets a bye and Joe Lieberman faces John McCain. One of these three will be the new president! 

SEMIFINAL
Joe Lieberman vs. John McCain
Haddasah is wearing a new dress - her third of the evening. McCain tries to employ the same POW techniques that he used to destroy Kerry. But Lieberman whips McCain with his teffilin. Suddenly Lieberman's 80 year old mother inches towards the ring. Haddasah tries to convince her that its not safe at ringside but she refuses to leave. McCain pauses to taunt her at which time she slugs him with a brick-filled purse. McCain is out cold. Lieberman drops a flying elbow and advances to the championship against Cheney!
WINNER : JOE LIEBERMAN 

The final to determine a new president is Joe Lieberman vs. Dick Cheney. Who will survive? Stay tuned! 

Part III 

MATCH TO DECIDE THE PRESIDENCY
Joe Lieberman vs. Dick Cheney
Based on their fine performances in the VP debate, this is the match that the fans wanted to see. Since its Joe's fourth match, Haddasah is wearing her fourth outfit of the evening. Then the special guest referee is announced - Jesse Ventura! Ventura gets on the mic and says "A lot of people are criticizing my being here tonight. But I'm proud of politics and I'm proud to be a politician." Its a low key match to begin with - each man is very polite to the other and only using technical moves - headlocks, armbars, etc. Ventura yells at them to get more violent because he's getting bored. After a few minutes, Gore and Bush appear and are fighting each other in the aisle and back to the ring. Brokaw yells "They've fought each other to Florida and back!" Ventura succeeds in separating them and instructs each to go to a separate corner. Inspired by their running mates, Lieberman and Cheney put more gusto into their fighting. All of a sudden, who appears on the ramp but Hulk Hogan! Hogan says that he's pissed that he wasn't entered in the tournament because he too was once a candidate for president. He then directs his venom to Ventura as their rivalry is well known. Ventura snaps - he leaves the ring and chases Hogan back to the dressing room. Now there is no referee. In the middle of the ring, Cheney has Lieberman in a sleeper hold. Gore creeps up behind him and whacks Cheney across the back of his head with a lock-box. Lieberman covers for a 3-count but there is no referee to make the call. Suddenly Jeb Bush runs to the ring in a referee shirt. Jeb counts one...two...then he stops and gives Lieberman the finger! Lieberman's eyes pop out of his head. George W Bush enters the ring attacking Lieberman, Gore enters but referee Jeb cuts him off. Haddasah tries to enter but Bush's daddy - George Herbert Walker Bush - hops the railing and holds her down. Cheney gets up and joins the Bushes in the beatdown of Gore & Lieberman. With the odds against our Democratic heroes, its all over. Cheney covers Lieberman. Crooked Jeb makes the 3 count and we have a winner.
THE NEW US PRESIDENT : DICK CHENEY 

But wait, Cheney gets the microphone and says "I was only doing my duty as a loyal running mate. I hereby surrender the presidency to George W. Bush." 

THE NEW US PRESIDENT : GEORGE W. BUSH 

Bush gloats for a few seconds, enjoying his new position. Then he takes the mic and says "The only reason I ran in the first place was to avenge my daddy. Dad this one's for you. I hereby surrender the presidency to my father - George Bush." 

THE NEW U.S. PRESIDENT : GEORGE BUSH (the first one) 

Bush Senior is elated. While this was going on, with Gore and Lieberman laying on the mat, Haddasah ran to the back to get help. Bill Clinton made his way to ringside - pants around his ankles and french fries sticking out of his mouth. He acted as if his sole intention was to help Gore and Lieberman. As he tended to them, Bush Senior says "Hey Clinton. Look who's champion now. But nothing would make me happier than beating you right here, right now!" Clinton shakes his head and turns his attention back to Gore & Lieberman. Bush Senior continues to goad him, "Come on you yellow belly - if you come in here and fight, I'll put the presidency on the line right here - right now!" Clinton's eyes widen - his head turns toward the crowd. He looks at Gore & Lieberman for approval who blindly point towards the ring "go go". Ventura hears the commotion and returns to the ring. Clinton runs in but is attacked by the three Bushes and Cheney. Bush Senior holds Clinton's arms while the other three grab fists of oil. They throw the oil at Clinton but he ducks and it hits Bush instead. Clinton gives the big boot to W, Jeb and Cheney. He covers Bush and Ventura gives the three count. 

THE WINNER AND NEW U.S. PRESIDENT : BILL CLINTON! 

The show ends with Clinton in the middle of the ring, doing what he does best - soaking up the cheers and hogging the spotlight. And the fans go home happy. 

The End.